Negotiating through your solicitor
Sorting out arrangements for your children
Ideal way to communicate with your children
Communication
- Try to talk to each other as if you were professional colleagues
- Be polite
- Stick to the issues under discussion
- Be aware of the likely effect of the “annoying” things the other parent usually says
- Be prepared for the situation
- Have a way of letting off steam when you’re by yourself
Negotiating through your solicitor
If you are unable to negotiate face to face either between yourselves or with the assistance of a mediator, then decisions about arrangements in relation to children can be made through negotiation in which you are represented by a solicitor.
As far as your children are concerned, you should not be opponents fighting over your rights to live with them or to see them. The interests of your children demand that you work together as much as you can, in whatever ways you can, to provide them with the security of two parents who obviously care for them. As a negotiator, your solicitor will be looking for the common ground that you share with your child’s other parent and the ways in which your interests may be jointly met.
You can make it clear to your solicitor that, although you are unable to resolve your differences about your children directly with their other parent, you do not want the negotiations to be carried out within a framework of conflict. Reaching decisions using solicitors can still be a way of indicating to your children that you both still care for them, providing it is not done in a provoking and vindictive spirit.
Solicitors who belong to the Family Law Association have particular experience in family law.
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Sorting out arrangements for your children
For many parents, the emotions produced by their break-up may make it very difficult to reach agreement about arrangements for children between themselves. But the way in which you make your decisions about your children’s future after you have separated can have a substantial influence on how your children are affected by the separation. There are a range of approaches you can use to achieve agreement. None of them will be easy, but the methods you use to resolve your differences will send very clear messages to your children.
- The first step is to accept the need for continued contact with your child’s other parent
- This may be possible if you try to see the child’s other parent as a business partner who is involved in the common task of bringing up the child
- It may also be helpful to limit discussions to the issues which directly relate to the children
- Preparing in advance for meetings with the child’s other parent, being clear about what the purpose of the meeting is, helps to prevent the anger and hurt the two parents feel from standing in the way of agreement
- Agreeing between yourselves shows your children that you both intend to continue to play an active part in their lives. It will also clearly show them that you are in control of the situation
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Ideal way to communicate with your children
The ideal may be for you to tell the children together. If you can do this, it helps your children to understand that you are still together for them; you are not fighting over them and that you jointly care about what happens to them in the future. This ideal, however, may be beyond your capacity as a family or as individuals.
If you decide not to tell the children together, it is important that each of you talk to them about the separation. It is equally important that you agree on what you are going to say. Exactly what you say will depend very much on your own circumstances but there are some things to bear in mind:
- Always reassure children that it’s not their fault
- Talk about the fact that mummy and daddy are not able to live together any more rather than about feelings which exist or don’t exist
- Tell them how you feel about them as a parent, that you still love them and want to care for them
- Don’t tell them about the other parent’s feelings. Let the other parent do that for themselves
- Reassure them that mummy and daddy will each continue to be their parent and to play a role in their lives
- Be ready to answer practical questions
- If you are unable to answer practical questions then be truthful with the child. Don’t tell them you don’t know. Let them know you are talking about this or thinking about this. It is important in this situation to convey to your children that you are in control. There may be decisions you have not made but this doesn’t mean you are incapable or incompetent. Helping children to recognise that you are still able to look after them even although you are not living together is very important. This sense of security begins at the point when you tell your children. Try to leave fault and blame out of what you say. It can be confusing for children who may feel they are being asked to take sides
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Managing your feelings
When you have decided on arrangements that fit the demands of your new family, keeping them working will depend on the ability of both of you to manage your feelings about each other and your ability to communicate for the sake of your children. To achieve this you will need to think about how to manage your feelings.
Now that you’ve decided you can’t live together there will be many very difficult feelings. As well as being difficult they will be very powerful feelings. You may feel resentful and angry about the way you have been treated; you may feel guilty about your role in the breakdown of the relationship. These feelings do not make it easy to maintain even the most basic of communications necessary to continue to be parents to your children. However, if your children are to make sense of their new family life this is just what you have to do. There are a number of ways in which you can approach your new relationship as separated parents that will help you to manage the very difficult feelings that you may still have about each other.
- You are both in the business of caring for your children. Put your relationship on a business footing
- Try to see it no longer as an intimate personal relationship but as one between business colleagues, two people who have a common goal; the well-being and healthy development of their children. When you approach your ex-partner as a business colleague then you can begin to recognise the areas of your life about which your ex-partner has no right to comment. You may be enabled to protect yourself from the hurt which remarks from your ex-partner may create
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Using the courts
Ultimately if negotiations prove impossible or unsuccessful, it is possible to have recourse to the Courts to make the decision for you.
The Court will be very reluctant to make decisions in relation to your children because they will generally hold the view that parents are the best people to reach those decisions bout children.
It is no longer possible for parents to apply for “custody ” or “access” orders in relation to their child. If you want the Court to make an order about where your child lives and when, then you may apply for a “residence order”. The “residence order” will be made in favour of the child named in the order and will not take from your child’s other parent any of the responsibilities and rights that he/she has concerning the child.
If you want the court to regulate other times and arrangements for your child which don’t involve overnight stays, you may apply for a “contact order”
What will the Court consider when making a decision?
- Priority is given to what’s best for the child, not what the parents want
- It is presumed that parents will continue to play an active part in their children’s lives even after divorce
- It is presumed that a child will benefit from contact with both parents
- It is presumed that parents will take account of what their children want if the children are old enough
- If parents are unable to resolve issues in relation to a child, the Court may seek the views of the child about arrangements for their future
- An order will only be made if it is sure that making an order will be better for the child than not making one
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Family mediation
If it is impossible for you to sit down together on your own and discuss arrangements for the child, it may be that mediation would help. Going to a mediator, a trained neutral individual who will support you in your attempt to resolve your differences is only one step removed from reaching the arrangements by yourself. You will still have to talk to each other face to face and discuss your differences in relation to the children. However, this will be done in the presence of an individual who has been provided with the training to help you to focus on your children’s needs in this situation and to help you manage the differences between you.
The neutrality and safety provided by the mediation session may make it possible for you to negotiate decisions which would have been impossible to arrive at by yourselves. The decisions, however, will still be yours. The mediator will not try to influence them. Going to mediation shows your children you are willing to try to communicate for their sake. It also shows them that you are in control of the situation. For more information, see our mediation page.
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Being there for your children
Your children need you both in their lives. That doesn’t mean that they need you to be buying them treats, taking them on outings or suspending your normal activities when they are with you. It does mean being part of the normal things in life; being there to say goodbye to them when they go to play football or go swimming or simply being there to watch television or play a video game. Your children need to:
- Know that they still have two parents who love them
- Be listened to by their parents
- Be allowed to be sad for the loss of their old family
- Be kept out of their parents’ fights
- Know that their parents are still able to look after them
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Telling your children
Once you’ve decided that you can’t live together any more you need to tell your children. It’s probably one of the hardest things you will have to face in the process of separation and divorce. There is no way to make it an easy, pain-free experience either for you or for your children. The most you can do is to let them know what has happened in a truthful, reassuring way. Be sure to let them know when changes in living arrangements will happen and what those arrangements will be, at least in the initial period; you might not be clear yet about longer term options
Sometimes parents can come to think that it is easier not to tell children that they aren’t able to live together until definite decisions have been made. Parents may get back together. It may not be necessary to alarm the children by suggesting that parents are separating when the separation may only last a few days or a few weeks. That, of course, is the first decision that parents must make. If you live in a relationship with lots of ups and downs, where it is not uncommon for one of you to go and stay with relatives or friends for the night, then clearly it is important to wait before you tell the children until you are sure that this time the separation is going to be more permanent. However, as soon as you are sure that that is the case, it is essential to find a way of letting the children know.
Children are very intuitive and will be aware that everything is not right. When they don’t know the reasons for this feeling, they will make up their own picture of what’s happening.
You may feel that you want to protect your children for as long as possible from the knowledge that you can’t live together. Think carefully about this. When children do become aware that daddy or mummy is not coming to live in the house again, then they will be hurt that you were not truthful. They may also find it more difficult to trust what you say in the future. So:
- Judge the appropriate time
- Make sure that you have made up your mind about where you are both going to live and what the arrangements will be for the children’s time with each of you
- Find the way that suits your family of telling your children
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Making arrangements work
Like so many changes that come with separating, there are no rules about what the best arrangements for children are. However, there are three principles which are generally agreed:
1. Children whose parents separate benefit from continued contact with both of their parents.
2. Children whose parents separate benefit from being protected from their parents’ conflict.
3. Arrangements for contact after separation need to reflect what will work for a particular family.
When you are deciding about arrangements for children, there are a number of important things to take into account:
My children are very young
Younger children normally benefit from regular interactions with both their parents. They also benefit from arrangements that fit as much as possible with their own routine. Both parents being involved at different times in mealtime and bedtime routines is ideal for very young children. Daily contact between separated parents may not be realistic, but it helps if the same or similar routines is followed whichever parent a child is with.
Because children’s sense of security, particularly under 2, is very affected by their environment it is important to plan carefully when overnight stays are involved.
Because small children are unable to tell parents what they need, they rely on their parents being able to communicate for their needs to be met.
Overnight arrangements will work better if the parents are able to talk about the child’s routine; what makes the child feel safe and comfortable.
When small children spend time in different homes it is important to make the transition as smooth as possible and have familiar surroundings by using the same bedcovers or having duplicates, similarly with favourite soft toys, or even by having the same room decoration.
It is important not to presume that because children are under 2 they will be unaffected by transitions from one home to another. In many ways because they are not able to understand the reassurances that parents can give in support of this transition, even more care needs to be taken.
My children are older
As children get older, their activities outside the home increase. What they need from their parents changes. Arrangements for their care ideally should be responsive to these changes. Parents should be open to considering varying arrangements as children get older.
Arrangements should be supportive to children and not just convenient for parents. There are many options and variations for arranging life in separated families. Each has advantages and disadvantages and the key to success in making arrangements work is having arrangements which fit your new family life. That means they need to take account of the developing needs of your child, your lifestyle, your ex-partner’s lifestyle. Arrangements which don’t take account of these three things are less likely to succeed. The starting point therefore has to be arrangements that can be kept. There is no point agreeing to pick up a child from school at 3.30 when you can’t get away from work until 4.00. There is no point forcing your ex-partner to agree to pick up the child from school at 3.30 when that is impossible. The consequence of taking this stand will merely be to disappoint your child and cause pain and hurt. Remember your children deserve arrangements that work.
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